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The 4 Types of People Who Abuse Facebook Feeds

What could be nicer after a long, hard day at work or school than to log on to Facebook and find twelve notifications from your loving friends? Okay, sure, there are nicer things in the world, but you get a good feeling when you see that little chat bubble light up to inform you that you have a notification. You click on the bubble, hopeful that someone commented on your latest note, and then… you sigh.

“Ashley sent me twelve blueberry pies in Run Your Own Totally Unrealistic Restaurant Without All the Stress?”

Oh well. You ignore all of the requests and check your news feed instead, but, if you happen to have any of the other four types of people who abuse your Facebook feed* on your friends list, things only get worse from there.

The Gamer:

Ashley, of course, is the Gamer. Although they are logged onto Facebook quite frequently, the Gamer seems oddly unsociable to those of us who rarely use Facebook applications. The Gamer does not post many status updates, photos, or comments. Instead, they spend the majority of their time on Facebook playing one particular game constantly or they will divide their time between a wide variety of random games. Either way, they often bombard you with invitations to join their latest favorite because nearly every game compels players to add friends in order to advance. Once you’ve added Watch Your Virtual Aquarium Do Nothing, they will start to send you fish food and sea monkeys daily until you finally block the entire application.

Wall Posts:

• “I’ve found a lost sheep in Spend Six Hours a Day Planting and Harvesting Potatoes!”
• “My puppy is hungry in Annoy Your Friends With Virtual Pets and Take Care of Your Own!”
• “Join my team in Buy Virtual Properties to Earn Virtual Money to Buy Virtual Weapons to Fight Virtual People Who Will Steal Your Virtual Money If You Don’t Put It In The Virtual Bank!”

The Drama Queen:

No matter what is going on in their life, the Drama Queen knows how to exaggerate to epic proportions. The mere act of emptying the dish washer in the morning requires such incredible effort from this person that they have to complain about it to all of their friends. Worst of all, not only do they broadcast their catastrophic life all over their profile, but they make every single comment posted elsewhere equally dramatic. This type of Facebook friend may also have characteristics that fit the profile of the Narcissist or the Wall Poster.

Statuses:

• “OMG, I WOKE UP this morning and it was HORRIBLE!!1″
• “SOME PEOPLE need to learn not to talk about OTHER PEOPLE behind their backs!!!1!!”
• “Even when I’m having a GOOD day, I just CAN’T resist typing like THIS!!!!!1!!!1!ONE!”

The Wall Poster:

Much to the misfortune of everyone who knows them, the Wall Poster does not seem to understand the difference between your public wall and a private message. Why go to your profile and click on message when they can just start typing in the pretty white box that is oh-so-conveniently sitting right there? So, they start hammering away and soon your mom, your professor, and your grandma know way more than you ever wanted them to know. Even if you ask them to private message you in the future, the damage is done, and it’s likely that this type of Facebook friend just won’t ever get it.

Wall Posts:

• “Do you remember when we broke that Tiffany lamp in 4th grade and blamed it on your cat and your mom got rid of it? LOL!”
• “Hey, can I bring my Random Friend to that Super Secret Soiree on Friday??”
• “I can’t believe we both skipped class to go see Iron Man at the same time!”

The Narcissist:

Although I call them the Narcissist, it’s far more likely that this type of Facebook friend simply does not understand status updates—they are not truly narcissistic. The Narcissist finds it necessary to broadcast every moment of their life for all to hear. They may accomplish this in one of two ways depending on how frequently they log on. If they are online daily, they usually post three or more status updates every single day. If they only log in every few days, they will instead post one novel length status update every time they can. The odd thing about the Narcissist is that they rarely have anything interesting to say. Instead, they think they are supposed to give us minute by minute updates of their life.

Statuses:

• “My cat is sitting on the bed, LOL.”
• “I’m having chicken for dinner.”
• “I got up this morning after hitting snooze on my alarm five times and then I went to Psychology and then I went to Biology and then I went to lunch and then I went to Writing and then I went to Math and then I went to work and I worked for four hours and no one even came into the store so I didn’t really do anything and then I had to write an essay but instead of writing the essay I watched three episodes of Lost and then my cat was sitting on the bed and I had chicken for dinner and now I’m on Facebook.”

There you have it. Now, hold on: I need to go throw some sheep at my cousin.

*This list is not definitive—not even close.

Photo Credit: Spencere Holtaway – licensed under Creative Commons.