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If You Think Your Friend May Be An English Major

Now that you know how to diagnose a potential English major (or someone who is spending too much time with an English major), you may be wondering what you can do about their condition. Although it is unlikely that they will change majors, there are still ways to help your friend. Here are some tips, both for your benefit and for their own:

1. Confiscate their debit card before walking into Powell’s (the City of Books in Portland, Oregon) or any other bookstore, for that matter.
2. Remind them that everything will be okay when the new edition of MLA format comes out.
3. Encourage them to take one day a week off from novel writing in November. Tell them it’ll still only be 1,852 words per day.
4. Read more than just the popular fiction of the month—read books with longevity.
5. Remember: Espresso drinks may be considered currency if you wish to purchase proofreading services from your friend.
6. Reading the SparkNotes is not the same as reading the book, so don’t make the suggestion if they mention the massive amount to be done this weekend.
7. Bring a paper bag in which they can breathe when you see the movie version of their favorite book and be prepared to hear all about how “The Scouring of the Shire” was an integral chapter and should not have been left out of the movie.
8. Never say, “to be, or not to be,” while pretending to hold a skull in your hand. Those are two different soliloquies.
9. Make sure you get settled in before they get up to read their essay in class. You could be there a while.
10. Above all else: be careful. You may end up in their novel someday.

Photo Credit: Todd Mecklem – licensed under Creative Commons.