Eruantale

Aug12 How to Survive Your Next Flight

For most people, flying somewhere is a bit of a pain in the rear. Sure, it might be quicker than driving there, but I think when you fly all of the little annoyances you would’ve experienced on the road over a period of 3 days gets crammed into a few hours. Next month my family is going on vacation to Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. Since I haven’t been on a plane in nearly two years, I figure it’s time for a refresher course on surviving a flight.

Before you fly

If you’re checking your bags, pack a change of clothes in your carry-on luggage. You never know what kind of clothing disaster you may end up having during those eight hours between the time you check your bags and the time you pick them up. Almost anything that can go wrong usually does. You will spill something. Buttons will pop. You may even end up with a giant hole in your trousers. And I can promise you two things: you will find no safety pins or needle and thread, and the clothes in the gift shop are way overpriced.

Also, on the off-chance that your bag gets lost, at least you’ll have some clean underwear.

If you’re traveling west (and the time difference is less than 4 hours), stay up too late the night you arrive. Fly out in the morning and then stay up until your usual bedtime according to the local time. So, if you live on the western coast of the United States and usually go to bed at 9pm, go to bed at 9pm local time when you fly to Hawaii.

If you’re flying east (and the time difference is less than 4 hours), stay up too late the night before. I discovered the benefits of this on accident last time we flew to Florida. Three of my cousins and I were sharing a hotel room, and the two younger cousins were so excited they couldn’t settle down. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning flipping through our Walt Disney World guidebook, running down to the lobby to get more hot chocolate, and telling the youngest of the youngest that the Winnie the Pooh ride goes upside down three times. We flew out fairly early in the morning and arrived in Orlando at 10pm local time. Since the four of us hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before, we were all able to go to bed right away, even though it was 7pm at home.

Never ever watch any movie or TV show that involves any of the following the night before you fly:

• plane crashes
• 9/11
• terrorist threats
• anything that involves snakes and planes

Take a multivitamin and a ton of Vitamin C the day you’re flying out. Everyone’s germs will have circulated around the entire airplane by the time you arrive. Invest in some hand sanitizer, and use it.

At the Airport

Do not wear anything with metal on it or lace-up shoes the day you fly. Just don’t. Wear leisure pants and flip flops if you can get away with it. Ladies, don’t wear an underwire bra. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I am really not interested in having someone wand me. If you want to get through security with the least amount of hassle, that’s what you’ve got to do. It helps if you don’t wear a turban as well.

Get there early, and be prepared. There’s a reason they tell you to get there several hours before your flight. Make sure you’ve got your tickets and ID handy, make sure you haven’t packed any of the prohibited items, and make sure you find out which gate you need to be in at every airport along the way if you happen to be changing flights.

Check and make sure you’re well equipped with entertainment and gum for the flight ahead. Buy a magazine if the only thing you’ve got with you is your iPod, because they will make you turn it off until you’re in the air. Some airlines let you rent portable DVD players, or a device similar to one which comes preloaded with newly released movies, TV shows, and music. Remember that you’ll probably want gum to relieve ear pressure when taking off.

Don’t tick anyone off while waiting at the gate. You’re going to be stuck on a plane with these people for the next five hours of your life, and you don’t who’s going to be seated next to you.

On the Plane

Avoid usage of the plane bathroom at all costs. If public restrooms scare you, the bathroom on an airplane will give you nightmares. Pray that your gate is right next to the bathrooms and use it right before it’s time to get on the plane. Your goal is to be able to hold it until you land. On longer flights this may be impossible, but you can try anyway. If you know you’ll have to use it, bring Purell, and make a beeline for the door when you see the sweaty 300-pound man making his way down the aisle with a newspaper.

Don’t be a jerk. Try not to lean your seat back if you can help it. If you absolutely must lean back, at least do so slowly, instead of suddenly ramming the tray on the back of your seat into the person behind you. If someone in front of you leans their seat backwards, don’t react by kicking it. Ask them nicely to return it to its upright position. If they respond rudely, then you have full permission to suddenly develop a very bad cough.

If you’re going to take sleeping pills, inform the people around you and offer to trade seats if you happen to be on the aisle. Seriously, one time my mom and my sister got stuck because this woman in the aisle seat took sleeping pills. It was a non-stop flight from one coast of the United States to the other and they couldn’t get up to go use the bathroom. They were rather cranky by the time we got off the plane, especially considering my dad and I somehow ended up in first class due to a seating mix-up. (Best. Flight. Ever.)

Be alert. It’s not a fun topic to discuss, but we all know that it’s possible terrorists may hijack another flight someday. Keep your eyes open. If you see suspicious behavior, don’t hesitate to report it. You could end up spending your day sitting around waiting while they search the plane top to bottom, but then again, you could also end up in a much more unpleasant situation. And hey, if terrorists do try to hijack your plane, don’t stand for it. You won’t be doing yourself a favor if you do nothing. Tackle that jerk and stab him with a pen. You outnumber them. You’ll have back up.

Photograph copyright © veralu (passport and credit cards), shar (airport check-in), morganno (interior of a plane).

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This entry was posted on Sunday, August 12th, 2007 at 4:04 pm in General. You can subscribe to the comment feed to follow replies or leave a trackback from your own site.